The Power of Forgiveness | How Mother-Daughter Relationships Heal Through Radical Compassion
Mother-daughter relationships are often portrayed as the ultimate example of unconditional love. Unfortunately, this image doesn’t encompass the wide-ranging experiences of those who have a less-than-picture-perfect mother-daughter union.
A troubled relationship with a maternal figure can leave lasting emotional wounds, especially when our beliefs about how our mothers should have parented us don’t align with reality. Healing these wounds begins when we approach these relationships with understanding and compassion instead of clinging desperately to the wish that our situation had been different. This shift in perspective can not only repair our relationships—it can help redefine our own sense of self and belonging.
“A troubled relationship with a maternal figure can leave lasting emotional wounds…”
On the Shaping Freedom podcast, Lacey Tezino, Founder and CEO of Passport Journeys, a mother-daughter online therapy app, shares the experience of reconnecting with her biological mother. After being adopted and growing up believing her mother had passed away during childbirth, Lacey eventually learned the truth: her mother was still alive.
When she reconnected with her at age 19, Lacey says, “It changed how I felt about myself. Before, I didn’t have a mom. So I was like, ‘I’m fine. I don’t need one.’ And when I met her, I was like, ‘I do need a mom.’” Her story highlights the world-shaking revelations that can arise when long-held beliefs about family and identity are challenged.
While she was thrilled to find her mother, Lacey wasn’t totally prepared for the emotional complexities of the reunion. Her mother had her own struggles and wasn’t always ready to take on the traditional role of a maternal figure. “Sometimes I would feel her leaning into the role and she would try to swoop in and do mom things… And then other times I would be like, ‘Hey, I need to buy this book,’ and she was like, ‘Figure it out.’”
This tension, between what we expect and desire to receive from our mothers and what they were (or are) able to give us, is more common than we might think. But it is important to understand that what felt like “not enough” to us in our times of need doesn’t automatically mean that our mothers failed us. Sometimes, what our mothers gave to us in our formative years was simply all they were able to offer at that moment. The problem arises when we equate our own disappointment with the belief that we were not loved.
That’s where radical compassion comes in. Instead of allowing the anger we feel around our past unmet needs to create conflict in the present, we need to be able to view our mothers as fallible humans. This is the first step toward creating present-day relationships that can grow from understanding. And this compassion must also be directed inward. A lack of strongly felt motherly love in childhood can foster the impulse to constantly prove worthiness to others in adulthood. “I have these unrealistic expectations for myself for every part of my life,” says Lacey. “I want to be the perfect wife, the perfect mom. I want to be the perfect caregiver, the perfect entrepreneur, all these things.”
“…the journey toward healing our relationships with our mothers and ourselves requires us to redefine what love truly means to us.”
The need to demonstrate our perfection as proof that we are lovable can cloud our ability to accept—and love—our own imperfectness. Just as our mothers disappointed us, we will have moments when we fall short with our own families. We must accept that this is just a part of life, and not an indictment of our value.
Ultimately, the journey toward healing our relationships with our mothers and ourselves requires us to redefine what love truly means to us. When we stop resenting our mothers for not living up to the standards we believe they should have met—and holding ourselves to standards that no one could ever possibly achieve—we open ourselves to deeper, more authentic, and more loving connections. And in those moments, it is all enough.
TL;DR (Too Long Didn’t Read)
Expectations vs. Reality: A difficult relationship with a maternal figure can leave emotional wounds, especially when our expectations don’t match reality. Healing begins when we accept our mothers as they are—not as we wish them to be.
Identity & Family Beliefs: Discovering new truths about family can deeply impact our sense of self. Lacey Tezino’s story reminds us that long-held beliefs about identity can shift in profound ways.
Compassion Over Resentment: Understanding that our mothers may be giving all they can—despite it not always being enough—allows for deeper empathy and healing.
Perfectionism & Worthiness: A lack of maternal love in childhood can lead to perfectionism as a way to prove our worth. True healing comes from accepting both our own imperfections and those of others.
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