Flex Appeal | How The Double-Edged Sword of Success Impacts Black Men
The measure of a man often comes down to how far and how fast he can travel down the road to success. For Black men, however, this singular focus on achievement can feel like a double-edged sword. Society demands victory at all costs in career, finances, and family, but rarely offers space for emotional vulnerability, community support, or self-reflection. These external pressures, combined with the internal struggle to meet such expectations, can leave many Black men grappling with a diminished sense of identity and self-worth.
The systemic pressures on Black men are immense. From an early age, they are taught that their worth is tied to their ability to provide, protect, and achieve financial success. On the Shaping Freedom podcast, NBA star and entrepreneur Lanny Smith explains: “You're told you’ve got to go out and make this amount of money. You have to do this in order to be considered a man. But for Black men, you're in a system where there is constantly something trying to hold you back from being able to provide for and protect your family.” This pressure to measure up to traditional ideals of manhood—while simultaneously facing systemic racism—leaves many Black men feeling powerless and inadequate.
“We need a safe space where Black men and Black women can put everything on the table.”
The consequences of these expectations can be dire, leading to a profound sense of isolation. For Black men, success in the traditional sense is often unattainable. And without it, many feel invisible. “If you're not successful, if you don't have this amount of money, you feel like you're nothing,” Lanny states. This emotional isolation isn’t just theoretical—it has real-world effects, often showing up in mental health challenges and destructive coping mechanisms.
Beneath these struggles lies a critical need for connection and self-worth that goes beyond achievement. Lanny recounts a turning point in his own life when a mentor reminded him that his worth was not tied to his athletic ability or financial success. Lanny recalls the mentor assuring him, “God loves you, even if you never score another basket. God loves you and has a plan over your life.” This correction helped him recalibrate his sense of purpose. It was a reminder to Lanny to ask, in moments of insecurity, “Why would my value only be attributed to what I can do on the basketball court?”
Cultural expectations often demand that Black men suppress feelings of vulnerability, and this social training starts earlier than one might think. Lanny describes how Black boys are taught not to cry or show weakness—a lesson that many carry into adulthood. “Boys, when they feel hurt or disappointed or whatever the case may be, you're told you can't cry. You're told, ‘Suck it up.’ So when men trace back through their lives, it’s like, ‘When have I ever actually been able to express how I really felt? Man, I've had to suppress being a human being,’” Lanny explains. This emotional suppression leads to an inability to connect with others and can fuel toxic behaviors.
“We are more than just the amount of money that's in our bank account.”
For Black men to heal and reclaim their identities, the solution isn’t merely external success—it’s emotional and spiritual support. This is why Lanny advocates for spaces where Black men can be vulnerable with each other, a call for connection free from judgment. “We need a safe space where we can put everything on the table,” he suggests, stressing the importance of mutual understanding. Only through shared vulnerability and understanding can true healing begin.
As Lanny puts it, the path forward is one of self-awareness, purpose, and grace. “I know there are so many Black men who are struggling right now because they don't know what their purpose is beyond: make some money, provide for people, protect people. Okay, what about that man's heart? What about his purpose? What about how he feels? What about his emotions? We are more than just what we can do for other people. We are more than just the amount of money that's in our bank account,” he reminds us. It’s time for society to recognize the humanity of Black men beyond their achievements and create spaces where they can express their struggles and find healing.
TL;DR (Too Long Didn’t Read)
Societal Pressures and Achievement Black men often face societal expectations to excel in career, finances, and family, linking success to self-worth.
Systemic Challenges From an early age, Black men are taught that their value lies in providing and protecting, amidst systemic barriers that hinder these roles.
Emotional Isolation Cultural norms discourage emotional vulnerability, leading to isolation and mental health struggles among Black men.
Need for Supportive Spaces Creating environments where Black men can express themselves authentically is crucial for healing and redefining self-worth beyond traditional achievements.
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